A Recent Experience

Today I was recording a recent adoption experience, a "missed opportunity" as we call them. We have had several. While each "missed opportunity" is hard, for one reason or another, we learn something each time. And each time turns out to be a blessing in the end, because we better learn how the Holy Ghost communicates and we learn a little more about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It is a real power to guide our lives and heal our hearts. I hope this experience won't depress you too much, I share it just so you too can find hope in the Atonement in your days of trial and worry.

Ever since we decided that we could do more to help the Lord bring about the blessings of more children to our family, we have had many more “opportunities” presented to us. I wanted to recount an experience, which occurred the last week or so. We got a call from a sister of a friend. She said there was a baby born in New Jersey who needs a family. He was a preemie. The family who would adopt him needed to have a home study with a non-profit agency, according to New Jersey law. I continue from my journal:

“So I called our social worker. She has connections to a non-profit agency and they will let her use their letterhead, to basically transfer our home study to them, I think. So now we are waiting for that paperwork to be done before our profile can be sent to New Jersey. 

“I am going a little crazy. I have a prayer in my heart. We have prayed a lot so far. The Lord’s will be done. He is in control and can work out all the parts that I can not. There are so many little pieces that I hand over to the Lord. I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father.”

The next day I recorded some more:

“I didn’t sleep much. Heart pounding. Mind racing. I can feel my heartbeat in my chest, my throat, my head. Fears swelling. Prayers becoming more fervent. Praying for the fears and anxieties to be silenced. Praying for miracles. 

“This morning I woke up about 4:30. I got out of bed about 4:50. I prayed. I worked on family history. Then I got ready and did scripture study. I tried to stay calm. I told the Lord I didn't know what the day would bring. We were waiting to hear progress on our home study getting sent off okay to the agency in New Jersey. It was so hard all day. But I was so so thankful to be at church. Not only was it a good distraction, but it was so good to see friends and people who love and support us. I was so thankful for church today. It was uplifting and comforting to be there.

“I am so thankful for prayer. It is my one sure hope, my rock, my safe place. After church my anxiety climaxed. I could barely eat breakfast and lunch. We went to choir, but again it was still hard. After choir for two hours it was excruciating, just waiting to hear about our home study being transferred over to the other agency. We were worried that we were too late. I was not doing well. Right before I went visiting teaching, our social worker texted and it seemed there was some progress. But there were some technical issues, so I gave Todd my phone and had him help work through those. When I got back, things were sorted out and our profile and home study were on their way to the New Jersey agent."

The next day the experience continued:

“Well, I was so thankful that I slept well last night. The whole day was mostly a waiting day. So I was pretty anxious. Prayer helped so much today…[A]fter I put [Savannah] down [for a nap] I was feeling so anxious that we hadn't heard anything. I was getting worried that it was too late, and that we weren't chosen. So I knelt down and asked Heavenly Father for tender mercies. Just after that we heard back from one of the agents, that she needed some more paperwork for our file in New Jersey. Luckily, I had saved PDF's of those documents, but then there was a lot of confusion about if our documentation was okay, and we thought for awhile that we were out of it because of a paperwork technicality. But then another agent emailed back and said that we were just fine. So it was quite an afternoon, trying to solve those problems, lots of wondering, and I think my heartbeat was going pretty fast. After it had all calmed down, it took awhile for me to personally calm down. I know it was hard for Todd to focus as work today. 

“So in the late afternoon we got another email that the New Jersey agency would be meeting with the birth mother tomorrow and things will get finalized then. So a little more waiting. 

“The Lord has been so kind and compassionate to us. It's been so hard, emotionally and mentally.

After several anxious and troublesome days, the experience came to a conclusion:

“Today we found out that this most recent opportunity in New Jersey was another no. Tonight I feel so down, defeated and low. Tonight I laid down for awhile while Todd and Savannah played. I felt kind of bad, because it was selfish, and the worst part was that I didn’t care. I feel so sad and heartbroken. And upset. Tonight Todd gave me a blessing for comfort.

“I am really struggling. I cannot imagine Christ’s suffering. For mine is almost unbearable. The pain and anxiety in my heart is real. And I wonder how many more times can I do this? We have had a lot of no’s. But I am reminded of the Savior’s counsel to Joseph Smith (see D&C 121) that all things would be for his good, and that Christ descended below all things so that He could overcome all things...I know that none of us are exempt from trials. It has been a day of tears. Savannah was very sweet and kept saying there was another baby."

The next day was much brighter, and I recorded, “Today is much better. I am so thankful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know it is a real power that heals and comforts our souls.” So once again, we set our sights forward, continually holding fast to the promises of the Atonement, and of “better days to come.”