Virginia Adoption Experience

I started to get the adoption itch in May of 2015. I went to the temple and felt like we weren't done on the adoption route. We felt like we should go ahead and update our homestudy, which we did in the summer of 2015. We had originally planned to wait until about November, but then decided, why wait? We got signed up with Heart and Soul, and they started showing us to birthmothers. We decided on a pricepoint we would like to be near. We secured funding. But all the situations they showed us were much more than we had wanted. We didn't know what to do. At what point do you just say no, or do you just say yes and trust the money will work out somehow. Ultimately, we said yes to the various situations. But we weren't chosed for any of them. That is hard in an of itself just the anticipation that maye you will be picked, but then over and over not being chosen.

One day in October we learned about a situation through another agency. So we decided to send in our info and have them show us to that birth mother. While we were waiting to hear about that situation, they sent out another opportunity in Virginia, the baby anticipated to be due in January. They said that the first situation wasn't going to work out, because that birth mother chose another family. So we had them show us to this birth mother in Virginia.

A week or so went by, and we found out that she chose us. We were excited, but I was quickly anxious and nervous as well, like usual when we are on the adoption journey. We started getting the money figured out and filling out their many forms and paperwork. That part is always somewhat dreadful. And the wait began. 

We spoke with the birth mother on and off. We found out that she was going to see her family over Thanksgiving, and I was so nervous, just at the thought that they would get her to change her mind. Her family didn't know. We spoke after Thanksgiving and it seemed that she was able to keep it hidden. Meanwhile, I was just so nervous. I was hoping that the baby would be born early, sometime in December. We spoke with her before Christmas, after she had finally been able to get a doctor appointment, and they moved her due date back a month, to February 18th. More waiting. I was so disappointed. But still hoping that maybe the baby would just be born in January now. 

She went to Georgia again for Christmas, and then was just really emotional and overwhelmed afterward that she didn't want to talk with us for a long time. It was a really hard time, not hearing from her. All the waiting and wondering. I really wanted to give up and just not do this situation anymore. But I felt like all I could do was move forward. I remember one day being really stressed and worried and concerned that it wouldn't work out, and I felt that I should just take a little time writing that day during Jackie's nap time. And Heavenly Father blessed me to know that we were doing His will by being on this specific route. He taught and comforted me in those moments, and I was so thankful for the stability that brought over the next few weeks.

Days of peace or turmoil would come and go. We continued waiting. At another weak moment, I was feeling so emotionally insecure and fragile. I remember checking Facebook and saw a friend had just announced they were expecting, and another friend just had a baby and they named her a name I really liked. Anyway, I was being really prideful, and immature, and just wanted to throw something. I realized that I needed to do more to increase my spiritual well-being and so I took myself off Facebook for a time and started reading a book by Elder Maxwell instead. 

Though, one thing about that was that I started to distance myself from everyone. I didn't reach out to anyone or talk about the adoption with anyone. I started to just pretend that it wasn't happening, not thinking about it, not talking about it, but still being really anxious. I noticed that I wasn't being very patient or loving with my kids. I was really struggling to be kind, amidst the stress and selfishness. I was trying to do it all on my own. It was really confusing.

Finally, after several weeks, the birth mother wanted to talk with us, and we had a good visit. But the doctor's also told her that they wouldn't induce her until the 27th of February if she didn't deliver by the 18th. So more waiting. Each moment was hard. Just all the waiting, wondering. Not knowing how or when things would turn out. And worrying about the money too. Several times just feeling tempted to give up. I was so emotional. I was so worried about the timing, as my mom was supposed to come at the beginning of March and six months out would put the sealing after my mom would go home from the family reunion in August. We fasted a few times. 

One Sunday, I was feeling really low again. Just feeling so impatient. All the waiting and wondering and worrying. I just felt so weak. I was so anxious each moment and couldn't stop worrying about it. Todd gave me a blessing. But I went all through Sunday so anxious. I just felt like I didn't know what to pray for anymore. Todd and I were able to counsel together later, and that was helpful. 

One day I had the impression to look at flights, and I saw that flights for the next Wednesday were cheap, which was a few days before the induction was scheduled. So we decided it was time to make our travel arrangements. I was excited, and relieved to be at that point. So the work of making arrangements began. We had so many questions: when should we go, how shoud we get there, do we take the kids, not take the kids. We worked together to sort out all the logistics, and I truly felt guided by the Lord. I took one day at a time, and as I would ask what I should do that day, He would bring specific impressions and direction, and I felt like we were directed by Him. All the details were soon sorted out, as far as the kids and arrangements, and then we just began the work of the packing and preparing. We were able to talk with the birth mother before we left and that was good. 

Finally the day arrived to go, it was a Wednesday. I was so nervous to leave the kids and so nervous for the adoption. I could only take it one day at a time. We got up early and dropped the kids off at a neighbor at 7:15 and made our way to St. George to trade cars with my cousin who would get the kids and watch them starting Saturday. Then to Vegas for our flight to D.C. We got to Virginia about 11:00pm, but were thankful the day had gone well. We had the blessing of staying with some friends who graciously opened their home to us and let us use their car and made sure all our needs were met. They were a true witness of Heavenly Father's love. Thursday we decided to do a little sight-seeing. The birth mother was scheduled to be induced the next day. We went into the city and did all the usual museums and tourist spots. Todd was super excited for pizza for lunch and we ate at a fun hamburger place for dinner. The day was delightful together. But in between the fun, was always an axious feeling for the birth the next day. 

Friday, the birth day. It is usually a hard day, and we knew that the next few days would be challenging. We didn't really know what to do. We just hung out in the morning. Originally, the birth mother had asked if we wanted to be there for the birth, which I was super excited about, but then she decided she just wanted it to be her. We went to a few other sight-seeing places that day, while we waited for word from our agent. While we were at the air and space museum we got word that the baby was born, and I was very relieved. But then we also found out that she was struggling with the idea of placing. All along she had been adamant in stating that she would not change her mind. It's always harder than they think it will be. We were so anxious. We didn't know what to do. And now she wasn't even sure she wanted to meet us. Later on, we found out that she did want to meet us the next day. We fasted, particularly to be able to endure to the end of this experience.

On Saturday we visited a Battlefield to waste time until it was time to go to the hospital. I had been in such grief that morning, just this dreadful worry that the adoption wouldn't happen. I was beyond helpless. And I was really just wanting to go home, I didn't even want to meet her. After Todd's reminder that this adoption definitely would fail, if we didn't go meet her, I agreed. We made our way to the hospital, prayers in our heart. And the visit went great. We were able to hold the baby and talk and laugh with the birth mother and the adoption agent. And we had an enjoyable time. And we all felt comfortable. It was probably one of the best hospital experiences we've had. We left feeling hopeful, and that we had done the Lord's will. I felt peace and I was grateful. The birth mother would soon need to decide what to do, as she was being discharged the next day. 

Failed. Another failed adoption. Unreal. We found out later that night that the birth mother would be taking the baby home. We were devastated, confused, angry, and full of sorrow. We couldn't believe this was happening, again. We just didn't understand. We had so many questions. We tried to get flights home, but that only added to the grief, as we couldn't get home for a few days because of the cost of flights. That was hard in an of itself because it gave me this false hope that she would change her mind or there would be some other adoption miracle. 

Sunday. We woke up so distraught, sad, and just angry. We felt alone, forgotten, and just confused. We found a ward to attend, and asked for blessings from the Bishop. We just felt numb. Later on Sunday, we did our (what is now becoming a Reynolds family tradition) failed-adoption-talk. We vented, we complained, we cried, we questioned, and then we started to talk about things we learned, have learned, could learn. We talked about tender mercies and tried to look for the bright things. We took a walk, we started down the road of allowing the Savior to heal us. 

The next couple of days, while waiting for our flight, we did some more sight-seeing. Just took time trying to heal and actually mostly just distract. We went to the temple and that was a great help. My emotions are all over the place. I will be sad one moment, then fine, then angry, then distanced, then filled with pain, then fine again. We still don't have all the answers, and we might not. But the Lord has begun to teach us important lessons, and eternal truths, and some sacred understandings for this adoption. He will continue to teach us and heal us and guide us. 

We know that these experiences are for sacred reasons. We don't know why we must keep going through these experiences, but the Lord is trying to make something of us, something that we can't fully see yet. So all we can do is trust in Him. We are so thankful for adoption. It is a true miracle. And though it be a hard road, it is the road we are to travel, and we are grateful that the Lord can work through us to help testify of His plan for His family.

As the prophet Ether taught it matters not what happens to us in this life, if we are faithful then we will be saved in the kingdom of God. So all the money, the work, the outcome of this particular experience doesn't matter, we just need to be faithful to God and His will for our family. All the answers to our questions and experiences aren't given in the moment. That is part of the test, we must be faithful to Him despite our lack of sure knowledge at the time. Christ is there. He knows. He understands. God weeps with us as we weep. And Their grace is sufficient in our weakness. This, the sorrow, the pain, the confusion, the dissapointment, is all part of our mortal experience. This is all part of the Father's plan to prepare us for the life He lives. And He will never forsake us, even in our darkest moments, when we feel forsaken. How thankful I am to know that God is faithful and sure in His eternal love for us, come what may, He is always there.