Reflecting

I am not quite sure what to blog about. I just felt that writing today would be a good thing to do. Part of that healing process. I don't want this to be too depressing. Just something maybe to help us all remember in those difficult moments, to remember that sunshine that is always there. We lost a son four days ago. Not in the usual way you might think. We had him for one week, but then we chose to give him up for the sake of many families. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. But that burden was made light because we knew it was the best option for all involved. 

At a time when I have been tempted to ask if God is there and if He cares, we have received countless acts of love and kindness and support, helping us to remember that our Heavenly Father is there and loves all His children. The loss has been tremendous, in more ways than one, but the Lord has filled in those gaps with lots of sweet tender mercies, perfectly spaced, so that each day I receive a little extra love, just as if it came straight from Him. Thank you to all who have acted as His hands. 

I don't want to dwell on this experience any more than necessary, but I did feel like I wanted to offer much thanks and gratitude this day for all the love and support and prayers we have received. 

I wanted to share something I recorded in my journal on Sunday when trying to decide what to do about church. In a very large, baby-booming ward, I really wanted to go somewhere else. I wrote: "This morning it is a challenge to decide to go to church, and especially to go in our own ward. But I feel that this teaching [from Elder Bednar's recent general conference talk] is applicable. That I cannot allow this circumstance to dictate what I will do, that would be leaning too much on my own strength and not trusting enough in the Atonement. But rather, I need to press forward to act in righteousness even when it is hard, and have faith in the Atonement to strengthen me in this circumstance as I push forward despite my weakness and limitations. That's what it means to apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ. To live according to what is right, and to allow the Savior's influence to strengthen you to do something you couldn't normally do on your own."

I also wanted to record a few things I am so thankful for at this time. I have noticed that whenever trials are upon us, if we begin to open our spiritual eyes, we will see blessings all around us, so much so that the "windows of heaven" are literally pouring forth blessings. 

I recorded this in my journal over the weekend: "I am so thankful for my sweetheart companion who is a rock in my life, the constancy of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that the Lord has put so many friends and family in our path to support us, the meals being brought into our home, the outpouring of love, the sweetness of the Spirit, the stilling of my soul, the lessons taught through the Spirit and the words of God, that it is beautiful spring-time, for my parents, that Savannah is so lovely and wonderful, a good Bishop, the priesthood of God on the earth, that we could finish the Isaac story speedily, that we had a week with a son, that we had sweet tender moments with one of Heavenly Father’s sons, that we had chances to share the gospel with him and read scriptures and pray with him, that we have a quiet home, that our home was clean when we returned, that everything was fine at our home....I am so thankful for the priesthood of God on the earth. I am so thankful for our Savior Jesus Christ. I have a testimony that somehow He knows our own individual feelings perfectly and knows for Himself what I am feeling in this given moments. I have gained a testimony this day that our Savior, Jesus Christ is there for me individually. That truly He knows my name. That He knows me. That He knows this struggle. That He feels this pain. That I am not alone."

It was such a glorious week, having a son. He was the sweetest baby. I love that baby smell. I loved his little noises when sleeping and eating. I love that he would get desperately hungry so quickly and look around for food. And that we could meet that need. It was such a dream to see Todd with a son, he such a proud Daddy. Midnight feedings were a blessing. Changing tiny diapers was sweet. Holding his little face in my hands to burp him filled my heart. Praying with him felt heavenly. And singing to him while he was eating felt perfect. All a blissful dream.

There have been many moments in the last two weeks that I couldn't have walked or moved on my own. I think in experiences like this we can often feel alone, but we were never alone. The Lord was there with us the whole time. He was moving us along when we had no more strength to move on our own. In those moments when I couldn't walk or think or speak, He carried me. He was giving us the strength and courage in each moment. Only because of the Savior did we have this experience and only through Him will be able to move forward through it all.