Another Loop on the Adoption Roller Coaster

Today I am thankful that we are here at home.
Today I am thankful for a sweet companion.
Today I am thankful for a sweet daughter, my own little angel on earth.
Today I am thankful for her hugs, whispering in my ear, “It’s okay.”
Today I am thankful that the birth mother went in to labor early so we hadn’t sent in any money yet.
Today I am thankful we hadn’t bought plane tickets yet.
Today I am thankful that the birth mother went in to labor early so we could move on more quickly.
Today I am thankful it happened quickly so anxiety could cease, and healing could come.
Today I am thankful for the beautiful sky and sun.
Today I am thankful for the peace and quiet of home.
Today I am thankful for so many potential opportunities to adopt.
Today I am thankful that the scriptures and prayer are always available.
Today I am thankful that the Savior never loses patience with me.
Today I am thankful to know that His Atonement is always available, and that healing always comes.

Yesterday were were notified that the birth father was not wanting to place, so they were going to be parenting instead. Can I blame them? No. We know we couldn’t make that choice. That is why adoption is such a miracle. In those first moments of realizing that something you thought you would be receiving, a long and hard-sought after blessing, would not be happening, a flood of emotions sets in. I feel numb, bitter, disbelieving, frustrated, envious, upset. Then I start to feel tired, worn, discouraged, doubtful. Then sorrow. I have thoughts and feelings of not wanting to go down this path any more. Guilt over being so impatient and easily susceptible to weak feelings. Angry. Weak. And not wanting to let it go. Not wanting to welcome in the rays of the Savior’s love. Just wanting to wallow in the hurt and be grouchy. Not wanting to understand.

So I pray. Whatever words I can muster. It’s not a very good prayer. It’s all I can do to get any words out. The next morning I go through the motions, just keep going. I study. I pray. I exercise. I begin to remember and think of the Savior. I begin to notice tender mercies. I begin to see the blessings. I begin to pray for a softened heart. I begin to ask to be taught, to understand. And to heal.

Todd and I talked last night. Well, I cried and blubbered, anyway. We reflected on the past experiences we have had that are similar to this. He gave a great analogy. It’s like we are on a difficult hike up a mountain. We have been here before. And we have made it to the top of the mountain before and we know what the breathtaking view looks like from the top. But here we are trudging on along the trail. And we can’t remember how far it is to the top. And we begin to wonder if the views from the top are really that great and if they are worth it. Maybe we shouldn’t climb any more. We keep thinking we are getting to the top, but it’s just another turn on the trail. Your bag gets heavier with each step. All you see is up. But you don’t stop. You climb, even though it hurts and you want to go home. Not sure of where the summit actually is. You just climb. Stopping every now and then for a drink or something to eat (please read John 6:35). The summit will come.

On Friday we were notified we had been chosen by a birth mother in Michigan. She was due on March 28th. I recorded, “ I feel pretty calm. I feel a little afraid, but it is more like fears are trying to creep in my brain, but I am trying to push them aside. I feel a little doubtful, but I am trying to push that aside too. Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. I do feel hopeful. Mostly just calm. And I feel grateful. I don’t have all the answers — especially financial answers — but I know that the Lord has all answers and all power. And He can solve anything. And I have been praying and desiring mostly that His will be done. I remember having some of the same thoughts and feelings about Savannah…is this real? is this my child? I recognize that subconscious need to fight any kind of emotion, here on this turbulent emotional adoption roller coaster.” On Monday we were notified that she went in to labor at 3:00am. She had a c-section that day and a little baby boy was born. We waited Monday to find out if we should fly to Michigan. Through many supportive friends and family members, and a blessing from the Lord, we arranged for financing and began making preliminary plans. We waited to talk to her but weren’t able to. It was a long day, waiting. In the evening we found out the birth father was struggling with the idea of adoption. Tuesday we waited. Tuesday evening our agent let us know they were deciding to parent.

So what now? We ask for and allow the Savior’s Atonement to heal us. We, as Todd reminded me, have faith when it is hard to do so. “Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed” (John 20:29). We remember that the Savior descended below all things, and that we are asked to do hard things as well. We begin to learn those eternal lessons and allow the Atonement to take our weaknesses and make us stronger in this moment. We move on.

Todd and I are both controlling, we like order, and we like to have control over our environments and outcomes. Infertility and adoption is a blessing. The Lord allows us to have these opportunities to give our control to Him, and let Him work it out. It is a good way to give our will to Him. It is a good way for us to learn to depend on Him who is in control of all things.

I know our Savior Jesus Christ lives. I know the Atonement makes up for all the unfair things in life. If healing doesn’t come right away, keep waiting. My emotions are still raw. But I know the healing comes, as it always has, and always will. Like a little beam of sunlight filling my soul, getting brighter and brighter. God never forsakes us. We may not understand. But as we continue to pray that His will be done, we can have absolute confidence that He will guide us, and never leave us.

“Fear not, neither be discouraged.” —Deuteronomy 1:21
“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10